WARNING: This will probably be horribly mispelled and grammatically incorrect. I am more concerned with getting it out than proof reading. Once it's out I want to let it go for a while and maybe proof read later.

So I realized today that I am getting old. I have one month and 2 days til I'm 30. One months and 2 weeks til my oldest son is 13. By this point in my life I thought I would have a career, a house, a husband, 2 cars, a cat, a dog, and maybe a couple of gerbils or fish or something. Tell me one thing on that list I actually have! NOTHING!!

The husband is out of my control apparently. I do everything right in relationships except pick men who are strong enough and mature enough to be what I need. The sad thing is that I need a lot less than most women to be happy. I don't mind being the main bread winner in a relationship, in fact I prefer it, but men are all fucked up with needing to be the one doing it. I just want someone who will love me, respect me, be strong enough to conquer their fears and issues,and be honest and faithful to me. Not too much to ask I don't think.

NOW, the career, house, and pets part is my own fault. I spent so much time looking for love and making that my first priority (because it's what I wanted the most) that I didn't do what I needed to financially. I had it made at Echostar. I hated the customers and some things the company did, but who really loves every aspect of their job and the company they work for? It was still my best shot at getting to where I wanted to be. So I have decided I am going to stop looking for work at home and do what I need to do to get back to Echostar. If I work harder then I can get to a position where I won't be on the phones and it won't be as bad.

If I can get back to Echostar then at least while I am sad about the fact that my love life will never be complete I can at least console myself by shopping and not going bankrupt. I need to get me and my kids in a place that we can be happy and stable. We have to be my main priority, and in the areas I can do somethingthing about. I need to show them that while love is important, financial stability is more important.

I often wonder what my life would have been like if I'd had a good mother or a present father. I had wanted to be a scientist when I was a kid. My mother made a point of telling me repeatedly that I wasn't good enough to do that. Everytime I found something I wanted to be she made sure I knew I wasn't good enough to do it. I think that's were my loftiness in jobs comes from. Maybe if I'd had even one person who really, uncondtionally loved me at some point in mylife (especially as a child) I wouldn't have thought that love was the most important thing to find. My mother made it a point to let me know every day of my childhood that she didn't like me, and wouldn't have let me near her family at all if I wasn't her child. My father was never home (he was a cop) to show any love. I can't remember him telling me even once that he loved me as a kid.

If I'd had love or support from anyone in my childhood what would have been different? Maybe I would have focused more on responsibility and financial security. Maybe if my parents had supported me in just one thing I wanted to be as a kid then I would have made better decisions in careers.

Now that I know where it comes from I can fix it as an adult. They may be the reason it started but I am the reason it continues.  I can and should have changed it by now. I often wonder why no one pointed these things out to me, but I wouldn't have listened anyway. I'm the type that has to figure these things out for myself before I'll do anything about it.  I just wish I could figure them out faster.

I'm tired of being wrapped up in looking for someone to complete my life. I'm tired of thinking someone else is what I need. I am tired of being played by insecure men who don't really want ME as much as they just want someone to take care of them and pine over them. I'm tired of being nothing more than a piece of ass and an ego booster. 

Love and commitment are a choice we make. People say you can't control who you love, but you do. You choose evreything in life. Some things may not feel like it- love, getting out of bed in the morning, crying. Everything we do we chose to do. Fear only rules us when we choose to let it. Issues only cause us pain if we choose to let them. He chooses to live in his fear, and let it consume him and rule him, over his love for me. He made that choice.

Why do I wait for someone who loves his fears more than he loves me? What does that say about me? I chose to let myself love him. I chose to not let go of him. With all of this staring me in the face I believe I may have made the wrong choice. Now I have to choose to let him go. I have to choose to stop loving him. Or at least choose to stop making him the priority over my family.

It's time to choose to give my heart to someone who truly wants it. Someone who loves me more than his fear of being with me. Someone who loves me more than the ex who abused him. Someone who wants my heart when he's all alone. Someone who wants my "Hello" when when surrounded by other women in a bar, or a store, or online.  

It's time for me to live for me. It's time to get my life back on track and hope that love will fall in place along the way. I know he's out there. I just don't know when I'll find him. I do know that if Tim can't choose me over the fear now, after all we had and all we were, he's not my future.        

 

Tim's response to same entry posted on Myspace:

i love this poem. i love how it is so me and you. i do beleive we are ment for each other. every thing in ur blog is true. im humble enough to admit im not a strong man. i have taken things u have done for for granted. i want to be that man for u , and i will. i cant change over night. if i dont change i'll lose the best relationship i have ever had in my life. i will also lose my soulmate and there for my soul. i dont know why i have became the person i am. i dont like the person i am right now. i need some one with a strong will, a good heart, and thats not affraid to kick me out of bed in the mornin to be there beside me. I love you. I never ment to hurt you, and u didnt deserve to be hurt. im not asking u to forget just forgive. i will be that man and i will prove it to u. i love u sandi. " I know that with each day that goes by I want even more to have you in my life again. And I know that one day I will. I haven't lost hope." please dont lose hope in me either.

I LOVE YOU
Tim


My Love,

I can feel you. Though I know it wasn't in this life I know I have been with you before- probably long ago. I realized tonight that when I watch a love story it is not want I feel, but loss. I know now that I miss you so much that it consumes me. I know that with each day that goes by I want even more to have you in my life again. And I know that one day I will. I haven't lost hope.
I often wonder if the last time I saw you, did I know it would be the last time? Did I know I wouldn't hold you, or kiss you again in that life? If I did know did I let you feel how much I wanted to stay with you, or how much I truely loved you? I don't think that I did, because if I had maybe I wouldn't need you so much now.
I am still searching for you. I haven't given up the dream of being in your arms again. This time, if I didn't the last, I will make sure you know how much I truely love you. I will kiss your lips, everyday, with the passion I feel in my soul. I will hold you, everday, with the strength I feel in my heart. I will love you, everyday with the intensity of all the years we have lost!
I don't know how I will recognize you, but I know that I will. Until then I will be patient. I will wait for you, and hope that I will not wait long.

Forever Yours

Posted by >>Tim<< on [03 Mar 2008 | Monday] at 6:09 PM

 

The part starting with My love, is a letter to my soulmate that I wrote 3 years ago and posted on Myspace a year and a half ago. I never knew he had read it much less thought he was the one it was meant for. Hopefully he is but only time will tell. After posting this he then deleted all the girls from him Yahoo Messenger he had been chatting with, delted all emails of pics of women he had saved, sent me comments on myspace, and delted his other "single & looking" profiles on other sites.